When I walked home on my last day of uni in May, I was thinking about the summer. I felt excited. Excited to finally spend a longer time with E, my boyfriend, who I, up to that point, had only seen or week or two at a time, excited to see all of my friends, who would be home for the summer and excited to spend time with my family.
But I was apprehensive. I felt like I was gaining so much from being here, at uni, in England, being independent, all by myself so close to such an inspiring city. I felt like I wanted to keep experiencing everything all at once, as much as possible as often as possible. If that sounds a bit questionable to you, it’s because it is.
The first half of my summer was marked by confusion and anxiety. Something felt wrong and I didn’t quite know what. I felt constantly on edge and couldn’t really relax. The breakdown came when I went back to England to move and what followed was weeks of self-discovery, a lot of tears shed and lost in a variety of people’s shoulders and many revelations and decisions.
Here’s the thing – I love writing, I love music and I love combining the two. But I’ve also realised it’s not what I want to do for a living. I also recently started doing PR work for this wonderful person and band Eric Arikan in this wonderful little team of friends. It made me uneasy to think about going back to uni. When they played a local festival I did not only feel an immense sense of pride, but I also felt more accomplished than I ever did when writing. Nothing compares to the little victories of being a part of someone’s moment of success.
So what did it all result in?
Me, sitting in my room in England, planning my move at the end of the month.
I feel sad when I think about leaving all the friends I’ve made and all the wonderful people living with me. I don’t really want to leave this place. But I only feel relief when I think about the fact that I don’t have to go into uni anymore.
And now, even though I’m trying my hardest, I still can’t help but feel as if I’ve failed. I know that people and priorities change and that that’s a good thing, but I feel like I’ve let many people down. My parents, for example, who have put so much money and effort and also moral support into this venture of mine. Even though it’s most definitely not for nothing, I still feel like I’ve let them down.
Nonetheless, I think this is a good development. All my life I’ve held out for that new thing, that new beginning somewhere in a new place. I’ve had that. I had one absolutely incredible year. But I think this life is not for me just yet. Not now. Maybe if I come back in a few years, and I really want to, things can work out. But I think there’s a lot of personal growth that needs to happen before that is even an option.
For now, it’s finally time to bury this idea of finding a place where I can be happy, and just being happy where I am, allowing myself to want to be close to family and friends and finding comfort in it, instead of feeling like a failure because of it. And it’s time to stop wanting everything all at once. I need to learn to give myself time to grow and go through the motions. I’ve realised there’s a lot of learning and growing involved before you can move mountains. I need to slow down, but I think I’m on the right path.